A love so strong.

Dear Grandad Joe,

I write this letter to you, knowing you will never read it.  But hoping that somehow, somewhere you hear it.  You are gone now, you have been for quite some time, 14 years in fact.  It is funny how fast time passes, so much has happened since you left us.  I hope Grandma joined you, wherever you are, without you she withered and crumbled and it was just devastating to see.  You were her entire world, a love so strong it was unbreakable, until it broke.

I think about you often, especially during milestones.  I wonder if I made you proud, if you can see who I have become.  I was your only grandchild and you practically raised me.  From being a small child it is you I remember picking me up from school and you I see when I think of childhood holidays.  When I am waiting for my Sunday dinner I often think of waiting for you getting back from the club.  When I cut up my chips for the air fryer I remember the crinkle cut ones you always made and the special cutter you had.  When I smell the awful smell of geraniums I remember that you brought them in each year and they made the living room smell overwhelmingly bad but you loved them.  But most of all I remember your smell and the way you held me in your arms and I felt safe.

I did well in school, I graduated University but the thing I think you will be most proud of is that I travelled the world.  I never quite spoke any fluent languages, but never say never.  I missed you at my wedding and my garden could really do with your help.  My husband is having an ongoing battle with the lawn and he hates weeding. 

Before you left us I made you a promise.  I promised I would look after Grandma.  The truth is, I let you down.  I let you both down.  I was in a bad place after you died and I changed in many ways.  Since you left I have suffered with anxiety most days, I take tablets now to help me and I manage, but back then I had no idea what was happening.  Looking back now I was numb, young and trying hard to find the right direction.  My biggest regret in life is not spending more time caring for Grandma, you gave up so much of your life for me and I feel so selfish that I didn’t repay you both.  I try to be better, I try to help those around as much as possible but I will live with the guilt forever.  So I guess what I am trying to say is, I am sorry and I hope that you can forgive me.  You made me who I am today and I am forever grateful for that.  I love you and I miss you. 

Your only grandchild,

Anna Louise.x

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