Monday, new diet? Tuesday, Going to get fit! Wednesday, spring clean the whole house. I know this is a practice we all take part in. Starting a fresh, some stick to it, some don’t. Some can’t help but live their everyday life around it. You see, that’s me.
I can’t not be constantly agitated about everyday. Always making a plan, being ten steps ahead. It has come to the point now where I fully believe my head lives in the future, I am hardly ever present in the moment that is. I have always been like this to some extent, but the older i have got and the more responsibilities I have acquired the ability to clear my mind and completely relax has become almost completely impossible.
From the moment I open my eyes and consciousness takes over I plan what’s next. One of the biggest issues I have is what’s next nearly always revolves around food, but that is a whole other story and a certain for the next blog post. And so I am awake, first thought, food whilst preparing the food I am thinking of the TV show to watch, whilst watching the TV show I’m thinking of where to walk the dog and then what to have for lunch. Basically missing the TV show i’m supposed to be watching because i’m completely unable to sit still and focus for more than 10 minutes. This is also the reason why it takes me so long to complete a blog post. Constant distractions, constant re writes, constant need for perfection whilst battling what feels like a millions other thoughts and plans. I sat down to write this the other day, but instead designed and wrote a full itinerary for our upcoming trip to Vancouver. Easy to focus on that because that requires complete procrastination and excitement and even then I had about 15 tabs of different plans from where my mind was jumping from plan to plan.
And then it is bedtime. And this is where the demon comes out to play. And I don’t mean that in a naughty way so please don’t get excited. I mean the demon who over analysis each part of the day hour by hour. Did I do enough? Did I achieve enough? What did I say?
I like to think I am a person who doesn’t care what other people think. But that would be stupid. We all care. And when you have anxiety I guess you care more. The difference is you purposefully go out of your way to avoid situations where you could cause yourself grief or at least take counter measures to ensure that later when you begin to panic and spiral you can bring yourself back to reality. Here is a perfect example; I stay in many hotels around the world and I can’t even tell you the wide variety of photos I have of international plug sockets. You see when I leave a hotel room as I’ve already covered I am normally thinking about 10 other different things, meaning later in that day when I realise I’ve left the iron plugged in (i haven’t and I subconsciously know this) and I begin to spiral into the burning down of said hotel and hurting hundreds of people not to mention going to jail, never seeing my family again and depending on the country quite possibly a death sentence (ridiculous i know.) I can simply look at the photo and remind myself I am ok, the hotel is ok and I can return home to my little house, husband and dog. Many people think I am crazy for doing this and to be honest it does get a little embarrassing when people notice what I do but what they don’t understand is that it is a form of self preservation. And self preservation is key.
Bizarrely being at work actually helps me a lot. Everything in the airline industry works to a time schedule and a specific procedure. We have to report on time, get to the aircraft on time, board on time all sticking to rigorous procedures that are drilled into us from day one. Of course every now and again the worry creeps in, but not usually about work specific things. Flying at 38 thousand feet with a bunch of strangers is a lot of peoples worst nightmare. Especially for those suffering with anxiety, but it is something I find strangely calming. Being in that environment almost helps me. Maybe it is being away from the world, social media and stresses of everyday life.
Now please don’t get me wrong. I love my life, my family, my house and my dog. But being at home my anxiety makes me a nightmare. Not because I am at home, but because when i don’t have anything specific to do, I drive myself mad. I have recently joined a gym and decided to go to yoga the other day, because you know, its supposed to be calming and helpful. It was not. I spent the entire class worrying about why I can’t clear my mind, knowing I had nothing to worry about but yet still my head was so busy. Then I found myself stressing about why I can’t do this; I absolutely left the class way more stressed than when I went in.
The best way to describe my head is like the sensory version of New York City. So much to see, smell, taste, hear and touch. And it wants to do it all at once.
Not a very good metaphor, i’ll give you that. But I was trying to avoid the old Piccadilly circus one.
I hope my writing is not as erratic as my mind. Im working on it. Hope somebody can relate. It’s tough up here in anxiety world.